Lotr on the Disc?
by LongshotMike
Summary: Please Review. Give me an 'O' if you like it or an 'X' if you don't. After ten reviews if the 'X's out number the 'O's the story will be terminated. After each termination a new story will be promptly posted for review. Thanx.
1. Dibbler's Drop

**LOTR on the Disc**

**By LongshotMike**

**Author's note:** Even though the story remains, as of yet unfinished, feel free to review. Remember: Leave an **O** if you like it and an **X **if you don't. Thanx.

The Dark Lord had searched. However the object of his desire had somehow managed to elude him. And so his shadow grew, along with his fury. How had his ring come to the Disc? It wasn't fair. And quite honestly it didn't make a whole lot of sense. But nevertheless the Disc is exactly where his one ring happened to be.

The Dark Lord's eye fixed on a man. A… a sausage vendor?

It was half way between one and two o'clock in the morning when Ankh-Morpork's most unsuccessful sausage vendor, C.M.O.T. Dibbler could be seen hurrying up the street. He was carrying a large luggage, and apparently trying to look inconspicuous. Luckily for him this was Ankh-Morpork, and most of its inhabitants were also busy trying to look inconspicuous, so therefore he went unnoticed.

He stopped just as he came to the top of the street. Two men carrying heavy clubs were coming toward him. So he ducked into the shadows and waited. The two men turned down an alleyway. There was a series of muffled screams. Then the two men reappeared and retreated on down the street, looking relatively inconspicuous.

When he felt it was safe Dibbler cast off again, feeling inexorably pleased with himself. He had avoided their suspicions…

Dibbler darted in and out of the shadows as he made his way to the Unseen University. On occasion he would stop, check both directions, wait for a moment or two, and then carry on.

Dibbler was only a business-man, and a notoriously unsuccessful one at that. But there _were_ bills, and they did have to be paid; because if they weren't someone from the Assassins Guild would soon be paid to jump out of the shadows and chop off his head.

Dibbler cringed. He didn't like to think about it. He just did the things that were necessary. And times were tight. So picking up a package in the middle of the night and dropping it off at the Unseen University _was_ necessary…

"Hey you," a hoarse voice called out. "Dibbler!"

The man named Dibbler froze on the spot. He looked around for the owner of the voice; but could only see the vaguest of silhouettes lurking in the dark space between two buildings. He swallowed a lump in his throat.

"Dibbler?"

"Yes?"

"Did you bring it?"

"Of course," said Dibbler, but then he seemed to reevaluate his position, and said, "Maybe," instead.

"What are you worried about, Dibbler? We're all friends here… See?" A package slid out of the shadows and across the cobble-stone road. It stopped at Dibbler's feet. "Go ahead and look. It's all there." The voice was smooth and liquidy.

Dibbler seemed weary to move his gaze from the shadows, but his eyes kept falling on the box at his feet.

"What's the matter, Dib? You don't trust me?" said the voice.

For the first time since they met Dibbler drew himself up to his full height and puffed out his chest and said, "This is Ankh-Morpork. I don't trust my own grand-mother."

"Good point. But if you don't learn to trust me how are we going to ever be able to leave. We'll just have to stare at each other for all eternity until you decide to pick up that box and look inside."

Dibbler considered this for a moment.

"Did you say _all_ eternity?"

"Yes."

Dibbler let out a deep sigh. Then he picked up the package at his feet and opened it.

His jaw dropped.

"It's beautiful," he said, in the tone of one who is appreciating great art.

"Thank you," said the voice. "Now may I have it?"

Dibbler regarded the other package with mild disgust. He dropped it in the middle road as though he thought it were something very unpleasant. Then he turned around and went back down the street, caressing his package, and having become totally oblivious to the man in the shadows.

However the man in the shadows had not become totally oblivious to him. "Never seen a man react like that," he said. "Not over fresh sausages anyway. Amazing."

The man in the shadows strode out of the darkness and revealed himself to the world. Yet no one seemed to notice. Little birds were chirping merrily overhead.No onesuspected that this was the same master of mayhem who had taken the one ring out of Middle-earth and who had bribed C.M.O.T. Dibbler to bring it here to the Unseen University.

Oh well. Better luck tomorrow, I suppose. He swooped down andhoisted up his luggage, finally making his way to the little known side-entrance of the Unseen University.

Even though the man from the shadows had taken great lengths to travel in stealth his passage had _not_ in fact gone unnoticed. If one looked very hard they might have seen a short, broad, and… shall we say, wooden figure plodding along in his wake. Its shape, size, and exact dimensions were unintelligible. But if one were to listen very carefully they might hear the tiny patter of hundreds of little feet…


	2. Rincewind and the Ring

When Rincewind came into his room he found a luggage sitting at the end of his bed. There was nothing unusual about it for the most part, except that it wasn't his, which meant…

… he was free! Free of the god forsaken luggage, because once you were given a new luggage you certainly couldn't be trifled with the old one. Rincewind was much happier than he had been in a long time, which should have made him weary, and it almost did. But at the last second Rincewind decided to open the luggage anyway.

So he did. Rincewind walked right over and lifted the lid. But he shouldn't have. He should have known better.

There wasn't much inside the box, except for a ton of plushy red material, and some sort of small golden token. Rincewind examined it more closely. It was in fact a ring. He became immediately eager to get his hands on it. But something made him stop.

The air had turned suddenly cold.

"HELLO RINCEWIND," said Death. Rincewind didn't say anything, but began to cough rather nervously.

"COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING? IT IS COLD SEASON, YOU KNOW."

Rincewind shuffled his feet. His gaze shifted slowly away from Death and fell on the ring.

"IF YOU TOUCH IT YOU WILL PROBABLY DIE," said Death informatively.

"Really?" said Rincewind. "How?" Afterward he realized that the how and why of death were not really that important. What _was_ important was making sure that one avoided it whenever possible.

"I'M NOT REALLY ALLOWED TO GRANT YOU THE SPECIFICS. BUT SUFFICE IT TO SAY… THERE IS A SAFE-GUARD."

"Oh," said Rincewind, not taking his eyes off the ring.

"IT DOES HAVE A SORT OF MAGNETIC-ATTRACTION, DOESN'T IT?" said Death in conversational tones.

"Yes," said Rincewind, who did not enjoy conversing with Death.

"I ASSUME YOU HAVE BEEN WELL WARNED, AND I WILL NOT HAVE TO COME BACK TONIGHT," said Death wearily.

"I assure you," said Rincewind. Just then a sudden curious thought popped into his head and his mouth ran away with it before his better judgment could catch up. "What are you here for anyway?"

"THE BURSAR CHOKED ON A CHICKEN BONE. BUT IT WAS ONLY A FALSE ALARM."

Death disappeared, leaving Rincewind alone with the ring. Its draw was overwhelming, but Rincewind's instincts were surprisingly over-developed when it came to such things as his own mortality. So he managed to resist its pull... for now.

**2**

Sam Vimes woke up. Another furious blast of thunder and lightning rolled through Morporkian sky. The temperature outside had dropped significantly due to the storm. Lady Sybil usually insisted on sleeping with the window open to allow for a circulation of fresh air.

Now it was too cold, too noisy, and too wet for that. Vimes hurried over to shut the window.

But just then there was a fortunate flash of lightning, bright enough to illuminate the entire Vimes household. It was fortunate because it had shown him something that he otherwise might not have seen. And had showed someone else more of Vimes than they otherwise might have wished.

He had seen a face so terribly scarred and brutal that it could only belong to one man.

It was the face of Seventy-two-hour Ahmed.

Through the howling wind and rain, and even the violent thunder the sound of a voice rose to his ears.

"Hello, Mister Vimes. It has been a very long time."

**3**

The ring loomed before Rincewind's face like a forbidden fruit. It had drawn him as near as he could get, and without any regard for his own safety Rincewind allowed the power of the ring to waylay his own defenses.

The knot in his stomach, which he'd grown accustomed to, slowly unraveled, and the tense muscles in his face and arms started to relax. His shoulders went totally slack, and this bundle of nerves and nervous-reflexes (a.k.a. Rincewind) completely shutdown. His senses became senseless.

He was being completely devoured and absorbed by the ring. The effect was quite enjoyable. It was a feeling he recognized, though he couldn't place it. It was almost like being… drunk! That's the one. A better feeling on some occasions than others.

The ring begged him to touch it. No one is looking, the ring told him. Everything will be okay. Don't worry about a thing, my dear Rincewind, it said. I'm just a lonely little ring trying to get home. Please take me.

Rincewind wanted to obey. The ring was so helpless, so beautiful, so… precious…


	3. Rendezvous at the Rampkin'Vimes's

Vimes put on a pair of very rumpled pants, and returned to the window. He looked out, and was privy to a view of the faces of half of the watch.

"Corporal Nobbs," he said. "Sergeant Colon. Lieutenant Angua." He noticed that Angua was blushing, and avoiding his gaze. Served her right, peering into a man's bedroom like that. "Seventy-two-hour Ahmed." He kept a watchful eye on the last member of this quintet. "And is that… by the Gods, it's Cohen the barbarian."

"Aye," said the ancient hero.

"What are you all doing outside my bedroom window?"

"I am very sorry Mister Vimes, but it was an emergency," replied Seventy-two-hour Ahmed. "May we come in?"

Vimes turned to see Lady Sybil snoring loudly.

"No," he said . "Go around front and come in through the door. It's unlocked."

Vimes always left all of the entry-ways to his house unguarded in order to tempt in the would-be assassins. It was cruel world, Vimes concluded. But a man had to keep his reflexes sharp.

**2**

In the moment that Rincewind had touched the ring he knew he had made a grave mistake. His knees suddenly felt as though they were loaded with powerful springs. There was an explosive pop from within his own pelvis and most of all there was a click. Just a tiny little click…

… followed by a verybig KABOOM!

Rincewind shot a hundred feet in the air. But he clung to the ring (only because he was too scared to unlock his fist). He had just enough time to see his _own_ luggage come skirting into the room before he was roughly ejected through the roof of the Unseen University…

**3**

Vimes woke Lady Sybil. He cringed to think what might have happened if she woke to find her bedroom full of watch-men, not to mention Cohen the barbarian, and Seventy-two-hour Ahmed. But when Sam told her what was happening she actually sounded rather pleased.

"Finally we'll have some company! Sam, put on a shirt," she said. It all worked out. Sam was happy because she wasn't upset, and she wasn't upset because she was happy to entertain. He'd never thought that keeping company away could be so useful. He just did it because he didn't like people very much.

By the time they all came marching up the stairs Lady Sybil was dressed in an elegant evening gown. Her hair and make up were done just right: not too flashy, but not to coy. Sam Vimes let out a sigh as he searched for the word that best described the way she looked…

…gracious. That was the word. She looked gracious, and Vimes had on a shirt.

Nobby and Colon were the first through the door.

"Good evening Corporal Nobbs, Sergeant Colon," said Lady Sybil. "By the way, how is Mrs. Colon?"

Fred tried to answer, but the words had gotten stuck in his throat, so he just stood there with his mouth open.

Nobby blinked. "Wasn't you asleep?"

"Ah, Lieutenant Angua, how nice of you to join us! But where is Captain Carrot?"

"He had some things to take care of down at the watch-house, but he won't be too long," Angua replied.

"Oh. Is that you Ahmed, you silly boy? And Cohen the barbarian!"

Seventy-two-hour Ahmed gave the Duchess a polite nod, and Cohen said, "Aye!"

In fact that was the last thing anybody said before it happened.

Suddenly something came crashing through the ceiling, and filled the room with the sound of a high-pitched scream. It landed on Vimes's bed, bringing down with it a huge cloud of dust, bramble, and debris from his roof. It struggled amongst the sheets like a drowning squirrel for a moment. Then it stopped. Rincewind looked around at all the pale, surprised faces in the room.

"Am I alive?" he said. Several vague nods confirmed that he was. "I'm alive! Yes, yes, yes. Ha ha."

"Sorry I'm late," said the voice of Captain Carrot, from the window. He climbed into Vimes's bedroom.

"Why didn't you come in through the front?" asked Vimes. Captain Carrot shrugged.

"There was a ladder. Oh. Hello Rincewind. I didn't know you were coming."

Rincewind shrugged, "I'm alive!"

Carrot just smiled, and sat down next to Angua.

It was seamless the way Lady Sybil carried on, as if a man had not just come crashing through her ceiling and another had not just climbed through her bedroom window.

"By the way, Cohen," she said. "I've been meaning to ask, whatever happened to that band of charming young heroes you used to lead?"

"The silver horde?" said Cohen. "The last I saw of 'em they was lookin' real jolly and such at the seamstresses' guild."

"I love the seamstresses' guild!" said Carrot who actually took them his worn-out socks to be repaired. Cohen glanced briefly at Angua whose face had suddenly gone flush. Lately she'd become very interested in her own shoes.

But Cohen did her a favor and replied simply, "As many o' good young lads do."

Carrot nodded happily.

"Ahem. I think we're all here," said Sergeant Colon. "Shall we proceed?"

"Wait," said Angua. "Don't we need a wizard for this sort of thing?"

Rincewind puffed up his chest and was about to declare that he _was_ in fact a wizard, but his better judgment had finally caught up with him and this time it told him to shut up. However that was only before Cohen cleared his throat and said, "Rincewind's a wizard."

"Not technically speaking…" Rincewind began to say, but he was thrown off by an explosion of laughter that was coming from Vimes. There were tears streaming down his face.

"No, he's not!" said Vimes, catching his breath.

"But I"

"Sure he is. Says so on his hat," said Cohen. Rincewind's cheeks flushed a deep crimson. The word W I Z Z A R D was clearly spelled out on the front of his hat.

"I've never seen him do any magic," said Angua.

"Well that's just because"

"Come to think of it, me neither," said Carrot.

"I know a few"

"Real shifty sort of fellow," said Nobby, speaking as if Rincewind had just gone out.

"Shifty? I'll have you know"

"Shifty yes," said Sergeant Colon. "But a wizard? I have my doubts."

"Everyone calm down," said Lady Sybil. "Let's get to the bottom of this. Rincewind, are you or are you not a wizard?"

Rincewind looked suddenly flustered. Caught up in the heat of the moment he shouted, "You're darn right I'm a wizard!"

"Sure is," said Cohen, flashing him a ruby-filled grin….

Several minutes later Seventy-two-hour Ahmed was walking them through the initial logistics of his plan to destroy the ring.

"My original idea was to intercept Dibbler before he had gotten so far, but somehow," Ahmed shook his head, "the man eluded me. Then I thought we'd have to storm the Unseen University and take the ring by force, but now that we have Rincewind that won't be necessary either. We'll just send him in for it."

"You know," said Nobby, with a reminiscent look in his eye, "when I was little me Dad took me to see the circus. There was this wizard. He could just pull gold coins, and rings, and wossnames, and stuff out of thin air."

"How would he do it?" said Captain Carrot. Rincewind gulped. Fate seemed to enjoy making a fool out of him.

"Well… he'd just go over to you kind of like this…" Nobby said, coming toward Rincewind.

"Don't make me hurt you, Mr. Nobbs," said Rincewind. "Just step away."

"Then he'd pat your pockets, kind of like this…" said Nobby, completely ignoring Rincewind and proceeding to pat down his pockets.

"I'm warning you," said Rincewind, without the slightest trace of conviction in his voice.

"Then he'd put his hand deep down in 'em." Nobby dug around in the bottom of Rincewind's pockets.

"This is your last chance," said Rincewind

"And then he'd pull out something like this." Nobby pulled the ring out of Rincewind's robe-pocket, "and he'd say, 'Voila,' and that would be the end."

Rincewind snatched the ring out of Nobby's grasp. He looked around at all the blank faces in the room… and gulped. Rincewind closed his eyes and waited for the explosion.

Clap. Clap. Clap. "Pretty good!" said Ahmed.

"I beg your pardon?" said Rincewind.

"I told ye'," said Cohen, joining in on the clapter.

"I never knew he had it in him," said Sergeant Colon, with a thoroughly amazed expression on his face.

"I did," said Nobby, with an atrocious grin. "Never doubted you for a second, ol' Rincewind."

Rincewind grinned cautiously. "Yes... ahem… voila?"

After that_ obvious_ display of magic almost everyone in the room agreed that Rincewind was indeed a wizard, a force to be reckoned with, a mountain among men… and then they stopped right there, because Rincewind suggested that they didn't get _too_ carried away.

Only Vimes seemed unconvinced….


End file.
